Spiritual abuse occurs when we mistreat another person in the name of God, faith or religion. David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen, in their book “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse”, describe spiritual abuse:
“It’s possible to become so determined to defend a spiritual place of authority, a doctrine or a way of doing things that you wound and abuse anyone who questions, or disagrees, or doesn’t ‘behave’ spiritually the way you want them to. When your words and actions tear down another, or attack or weaken a person’s standing as a Christian [or standing in any faith]– to gratify you, your position or your beliefs while at the same time weakening or harming another – that is spiritual abuse.”
Characteristics of Spiritual Abuse
According to the “Spiritual Abuse” article from Wikipedia, Spiritual abuse can include:
- Psychological and emotional abuse
- Any act by deeds or words that demean, humiliate or shame the natural worth and dignity of a person as a human being
- Submission to spiritual authority without any right to disagree; intimidation
- Unreasonable control of a person’s basic right to make a choice on spiritual matters
- False accusation and repeated criticism by negatively labeling a person as disobedient, rebellious, lacking faith, demonized, apostate, enemy of the church or God
- Prevention from practicing faith
- Isolation or separation from family and friends due to religious affiliation
- Physical abuse that includes physical injury, deprivation of sustenance, and sexual abuse
- Exclusivity; dismissal of an outsider’s criticism and labeling an outsider as of the devil
- Withholding information and giving of information only to a selected few
- Conformity to a dangerous or unnatural religious view and practice
- Hostility that includes shunning (relational aggression, parental alienation) and persecution
Dr. Ronald Enroth, in his book “Churches that Abuse”, sets forth five characteristics of spiritual abuse:
- Authority and Power – Spiritual abusers misuse and distort the concept of spiritual authority.
- Manipulation and Control – Spiritual abusers often use fear, guilt and threats to achieve unquestioning obedience and loyalty.
- Elitism and Persecution – Spiritual abusers often place themselves in a position of spiritual superiority, which they then use to justify their abusive behavior. Think of the Crusaders who used their supposed superiority as justification to abuse others, because they believed they were fighting for God.
- Life-style and Experience – Spiritual abusers can create very rigid behaviors and beliefs and try to force others to have unquestioned conformity.
- Dissent and Discipline – Spiritual abusers often suppress challenges and dissent. Spiritual abusers may discipline through humiliation, violence, deprivation and other forms of punishment.
Victims of spiritual abuse often do not recognize the behavior as abusive because the abusive demands can contain twisted elements of truth, and the victim desires to be obedient and righteous.
Effects of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse can have a devastating effect on the lives of victims, beginning with diminished self esteem and self worth. Spiritual abuse is often perpetuated by a person of authority, such as a parent or religious leader, who the victim should be able to trust. So, when that higher level of trust is violated, the deeper wound can make it difficult for the person to trust legitimate spiritual authority. The victim may also find it difficult to trust God.
Enroth says that spiritual abusers generally feel that people who question spiritually abusive activities are not being submissive to authority. As a result, victims could suffer extreme character assassination intended to stop the victim’s liberation from the spiritually abusive person or situation.
In more serious cases of abuse, even more serious effects can occur.
Recovering from Spiritual Abuse
The first step to escaping spiritual abuse may be to recognize and understand what is happening. This may involve studying the topic and/or speaking to a qualified expert outside the sphere of the abuse. Many books have been written on the topic of spiritual abuse.
The second step may be to stop the cycle of abuse. If it is safe to do so, bring the spiritual abuse to light in as loving and non-confrontational manner as possible. The victim needs to identify the abusive behavior to the abuser and establish clear boundaries for abuser if there is to be an ongoing relationship. The victim may need a network of people who can provide the strength and additional support necessary to stop and recover from the abuse. This support network may need to include assistance from a qualified expert.
If the abusive behavior does not stop, the victim may need to leave the abusive relationship. Christ-like forgiveness and love does not include enabling an abuser to continue the abusive behavior. We should love and forgive the abuser, but should not tolerate any form of abuse. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!
Then, the victim will be in a safer place to learn the true attributes of God, including His love, forgiveness and grace. God is not a god of abuse, and the actions of abusers are not representative of the doctrines or love of God. The victim may need a significant amount of time to learn to trust spiritual leaders and God.
Conclusion
I am not a counselor or a spiritual abuse expert. So, please take this article as merely my unqualified opinion and not expert advice. I am far from perfect myself. This article is not intended to judge or accuse anyone specifically. It is intended to help bring to light a serious type of abuse.
If a friend or family member is healing from abuse, one of the worst things we can do is judge the victim, even if we are unsure about the validity of their allegations. Abuse is often committed in secret, without any witnesses. So, just because we have not witnessed any abuse does not mean that the abuse did not happen.
When victims of abuse stand up to abuse, they are often not believed. Victims of spiritual abuse who try to leave the abusive relationship are sometimes attacked as being spiritually unworthy or unrighteous. Friends and family members of spiritual abuse victims and abusers may take sides and cause further harm to someone who is already wounded.
If we are a friend or family member of someone who is trying to free themselves of a spiritually abusive situation, one of the best things we can do is to simply love that person, and avoid judging or taking sides.
If you are a victim of spiritual abuse, know that God is not a god of abuse. You are His child and He loves you. He would never abuse you, and anyone who abuses you in the name of God will have to answer to God. You don’t have to accept abusive behavior to be worthy of that love. He wants us to be eternally happy. If you are still a prisoner to abuse, get the help you need today so you can find the freedom and peace you deserve and that God wants for you. As the apostle Paul said:
“Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” – Galations 5:1
Posted on June 7th, 2009 by Nathan Gwilliam
Filed under: Abuse, Faith, Life Lessons
“Christ-like forgiveness and love does not include enabling an abuser to continue the abusive behavior.”
This is a very crucial observation. Too often, in our haste to see the best in a spiritual leader, we condemn his victims. As one-by-one, families left our church, I continued to stand by the leader and condemned the “wimpy” exiles. Only after our family experienced the abuse firsthand did I see the true situation and also the harm I caused to those who suffered under the abuse.
People want to be fair. They assume, in church troubles, that the problem is on both sides. They especially want to give leaders the benefit of the doubt. At times, though, leaders who are true sociopaths can be holding sway over a church and the victims, struggling to confront the abuse step-by-step via Matthew 18 are chewed up and spit out. To assume that they are part of the problem, as is easy to do without knowing the whole situation, is very damaging.
Another trait I have been noticing lately is that of superimposing our own mores or solutions on others. As an example, after someone expresses the difficulty they are having with a certain trial the response is, “that’s not too bad, I had the same thing which…” This not only lacks empathy, but it assumes that we all have the same reactions to those things we are faced with and fails to recognize that what some may regard as “easy” others regard as “difficult”. Those responses invalidate the person and can cause a number of harmful effects including questioning self-worth. I’ve seen it often as of late and fear to count the number of times I’ve been guilty of such a crime.
It’s difficult for people to have a normal conversation about abuse. If confronted with their own abusive behavior, some people will recoil in horror, saying that they never intended to be abusive. In fact, they are, but they are oblivious to their own ways of abusing others.
Coming up with your own version of your own assumed humiliation is one, as above. Another is the diminishing of the pain: “well, that can be left in the past, you need to move on, etc” and the forcing forgetting. Which tells the sufferer that the listener has no idea of what pain she is talking about! Some help is here: http://www.healingfromemotionalabuse.com