We each have a serious problem. Everyone around us knows about our problem but us. The problem is that each of us cannot see that we have a problem. This is self-deception. Each of us engage in self-deception at times, and when we do, we live and work as if we are trapped in a box. We are blind to the true reality around us. We undermine our own performance and the performance of others. However, we can’t see this very clearly when we are “in the box”. Consequently, we don’t change, and neither do our results.
This week Crystal and I listened to Leadership & Self Deception again. This is an amazing book by the Arbinger Institute, which works to help people see themselves, others, problems and solutions in a different way.
Leadership & Self Deception teaches about self-betrayal, the process by which we each participate in self-deception and get “into the box”. This book makes the following major points about self-betrayal.
- Self betrayal is an act contrary to what we feel we should do for someone else.
- When we betray ourselves, we begin to see the world in a way that justifies our self-betrayal.
- When we see a self-justifying world, our views of reality become distorted. We inflate the faults of others, and at the same time inflate our own virtues.
- When we betray ourselves, we enter the box.
- With time, certain boxes become characteristic of us, and we end up carrying them with us.
- When we are in the box, we provoke others to be in the box.
- When I and others around me are in the box, we mutually mistreat each other, which then gives us mutual justification to continue to mistreat each other. We collude to give the other person a reason to remain in the box.
How do we know if we are participating in self-betrayal and are “in the box?”
- Do we treat people as people or as just objects? Do we take the time to remember their names? Are we truly interested in others, or just interested in what they think about us? Do we manipulate others to get what we want in relationships? If we don’t truly care about others, they can almost always feel the hypocrisy in us. If we are not treating people as people it is a good indication we are “in the box.”
- Do we inflate the faults of others and inflate our own virtue? Do we inflate the value of things that justify our self betrayal? If so, this is a good indication we are “in the box.”
- Are we blaming others? If so, this is a good indication we are “in the box”.
- Are we feeling a desire for the welfare and good of others, and a desire to be out of the box in that relationship? Do we have feelings about kind things we can do for the other person? If we are not having these feelings, it may indicate that we are “in the box” towards this person.
What doesn’t work when we are in the box?
- Trying to change others
- Doing my best to cope with others
- Leaving
- Communication – this doesn’t work when we’re in the box, because we communicate the negative things we’re feeling.
- Implementing new skills or techniques
- Changing our behavior
How Do We Get Out & Stay Out of the Box?
According to Leadership & Self Deception, when we’re feeling we want to be out of the box towards someone, in that moment we’re already out. We’re feeling that way because we’re now seeing him or her as a person. In feeling that way toward that person, we’re already out of the box.
Once we are out of the box, the question then is how to stay out. At times we have specific impressions of things we should do for others, particularly toward friends, family or work associates. We know these people and many of their hopes, needs, cares, and fears. We’re also more likely to have wronged them. To stay out of the box, we must honor what our out-of-the-box sensibility tells us we should do for these people.
However, this doesn’t mean we need to do everything we feel would be ideal for everyone, because we have our own responsibilities that sometimes take a position of higher priority. We do the best we can under the circumstances, and we do that because when we’re out of the box we see other people as people.
In short, I need to follow the feelings of kind things I should do for others so I can stay out of the box in those relationships. I need to not blame others, but I need to do what is in my power to stay out of the box so that I can have a better perspective of reality and the solutions available to solve the problems I’m facing.
Find Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box
(source: Leadership & Self Deception)
Posted on April 28th, 2008 by admin
Filed under: Book Reviews, Leadership, Life Lessons, Relationships, Self Improvement
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