Warning: The movies I like the best generally get poor reviews with movie critics.  “It’s a Wonderful Life” is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I love the epic battle between good and evil and do not think it is “over the top” when good triumphs.  I love movies that make me want to be better.  I realize these kinds of movies aren’t for everyone.  So, if you don’t agree with my cinematic preferences, you’re probably not going to like this movie.

Forever Strong, is a movie (based on a true story) about Rick Penning, a self-centered, out-of-control, star rugby player who lands himself in a juvenile corrections facility after a repeat drunk driving accident in which he almost killed his girlfriend.  The director of the corrections facility notices Rick’s love for rugby and offers Rick the opportunity to play for the longtime rival Highland Rugby team, and its legendary Coach Gelwix. 

This coach has a philosophy that he would rather help young men to be champions in life than to be champions on the field.  This core philosophy is demonstrated when the coach allows Rick to stay in the first game even though the team is being destroyed because of Rick’s “me-first” mentality.

Gelwix emphasizes team play and has a policy prohibiting, liquor, drugs, cigarettes and fooling around with girls, as he tries to teach his players to be “forever strong” in life and not just on the field.  Rick struggles with the dichotomy of the person he was and the person he is becoming. Rick’s evolution as a team player is symbolized through his participation with the team in the Maori war dance, the Haka. 

Rick is finally released from the corrections facility and returns to his home and his old team.  However, when he doesn’t fall back into his old ways, his old friends mock him and plant drugs and alcohol on him so that he ends up back in jail.

The defining scene shows Rick’s father visiting him in jail.  Rick’s father won’t believe that Rick has changed, but Rick stands and declares that he is a Highland Rugby player and would never do anything to disgrace his family or his team.  Rick ends that scene by telling his father “Kia Kaha” which means “forever strong” in Maori.

I enjoyed Rick’s strength to change despite intense pressures. I loved the strength of the Coach Gelwix character in shaping young rugby players to be champions in life.  Kia Kaha.

If all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men. (Alma 48:8-19)

For many years I have read and pondered this scripture and tried to emulate Moroni, albeit unsuccessfully. Years ago my wife even gave me a painting of Moroni with this scripture for my office because she knew how much it meant to me.

However, though the years of focusing on this scripture, I failed to connect it with the full context of the situation in which this description of Moroni is given.  Moroni was the army captain of a group of Christians named Nephites who lived in the ancient Americas shortly before Christ’s birth.  Moroni’s people were ruled democratically by elected judges, yet on multiple occasions Captain Moroni had to put down revolutions from a faction of the people who wanted to appoint a king.  The man who started this internal revolution, and who desired to be the king, was named Amalickiah.

When Amalickiah realized that he could not prevail against Moroni, he fled with a group of followers and joined the Lamanites, who were the eternal enemies of Moroni’s people.  Amalickiah poisoned the leader of the Lamanite armies so that he (Amalickiah) could become the leader of the army.  Then, he killed the Lamanite king and married that king’s wife so that he could become the king of the Lamanites.  Then, with control of the Lamanite armies Amalickaiah waged a horrific war against Moroni and his people that lasted for many years.

I have often (and correctly) associated Christianity with Christ’s teaching such as “turning the other cheek”, “not returning evil for evil” and “forgiving”. So, the dichotomy of Moroni’s description as such a strong Christian that Satan had no power over his heart, shook my understanding of Christianity.

How did Moroni find peace while at war?  The following verses help explain the answer to this paradox:

He was preparing to support their liberty, their lands, their wives and their children, and their peace, and that they might live unto the Lord their God, and that they might maintain that which was called by their enemies the cause of the Christians. And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery; Yea a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people.  Yea, and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ. (Alma 48:10-14)

They were sorry to take up arms against the Lamanites, because they did not delight in the shedding of blood; yea, and this was not all–they were sorry to be the means of sending so many of their brethren out of this world into an eternal world, unprepared to meet their God. Nevertheless, they could not suffer to lay down their lives, that their wives and their children should be massacred by the barbarous cruelty of those who were once their brethren. (Alma 48:23-24)

Moroni wasn’t seeking revenge or to force his will upon anyone else.  Instead Moroni was reluctantly fighting a battle to stand up to evil, to defend his people from oppression and abuse, and to eradicate the horrible influence of the Lamanties in their lives.  He wasn’t trying to change the Lamanites, he was just trying to be free of the Lamanites, and was forced to fight to secure that freedom.  Moroni didn’t hate the Lamanites, and was genuinely concerned about the enternal welfare of their souls.

War and fighting is often at odds with the way that Jesus Christ would like us to live with our fellow man. War should be a last resort. However, sometimes as Christians we have to stand and fight evil.  When war does become necessary in our lives, though, it is important that our motives and hearts are right with God, and that we can find peace while at war.

I clearly understand the importance of forgiving and I want to forgive. I know that Jesus Christ expects us to forgive everyone, whether or not they have repented, and if I do not forgive others, a greater sin is upon me than whatever the other person did (D&C 54:8-9). I know I need to keep forgiving others even if they keep hurting me (Matthew 18:21). I know I will receive forgiveness only to the extent I forgive others (Matthew 6:12) and that to become worthy of the atonement of Jesus Christ and to be forgiven of my sins, I must forgive others (Matthew 18:23-35).

I know that holding on to offense and not forgiving can rob me of happiness and the light of Christ, and that the path to the greatest joy and peace in life includes frankly and immediately forgiving others. However, I don’t remember any Sunday School lessons teaching me how to forgive.

What do I do if I feel I have forgiven the offender, have prayed for God’s help in forgiving that person, yet when that person continues to commit similar offenses, the feelings of animosity return? I think those feelings are a sign I have not completely forgiven that person despite my desire and efforts to do so. I don’t want to feel those negative feelings. I want to forgive . . . but how do I forgive more deeply and permanently?

I have been struggling with this question for more than a month, and studying to understand “How do I forgive?”. My answer came through the scripture “Charity suffereth long and is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). As someone continues do things that cause me to suffer, I need to have charity towards that person and be kind. Saying I forgive someone, and stopping to have negative feelings towards that person is not enough. I must fill the void left by the abandoned negative feelings with feelings of love, charity, kindness and compassion towards that person. When I fill that void with the pure love of Christ for that person, it becomes almost impossible for those feelings of animosity to return when the person trespasses against me again.

The love for that person make it easier to bear any additional offenses, helps us to minimize the severity of those offenses, and helps us to understand where that person is coming from so we might not even need to take offense.

It is important to note that forgiveness does not mean we must continue to allow abusive behavior. We have a right and a responsibility to protect ourselves and others within our stewardships from dangerous situations. For example, we might forgive someone who has abused one of our children, but we might wisely choose to never let that person babysit our children again.

It is also important to note that forgiveness and trust are not necessarily the same. It is required of us that we forgive everyone (D&C 64:10). However, we and those within our stewardships deserve to be treated respectfully. It is reasonable for us to respectfully set healthy boundaries for our association with those people who have not acted respectfully. For example, if a child yells at my wife and hits her, it is appropriate for me to remove my child from that situation, explain the behavior unacceptable, and let the child know that they can return to be with the family when they are ready to act respectfully. Forgiving someone does not mean allowing unacceptable behavior to continue.

As we seek to forgive it is also important that we stop talking bad about the offender, even if it is true. We also need to stop blaming the offender and take back ownership in our lives.

I am grateful for the gift of forgiveness. As I fill my heart with charity and forgiveness towards others I can receive the peace that comes from forgiving others, and qualify for forgiveness from the Savior.

What have you done to help you to forgive, and how has forgiveness blessed your life?

This week Crystal and I listened to Leadership & Self Deception again. This is an amazing book by the Arbinger Institute, which works to help people see themselves, others, problems and solutions in a different way.

Leadership & Self Deception teaches about self-betrayal, the process by which we each participate in self-deception and get “into the box”. This book makes the following major points about self-betrayal.

1. Self betrayal is an act contrary to what we feel we should do for someone else.
2. When we betray ourselves, we begin to see the world in a way that justifies our self-betrayal.
3. When we see a self-justifying world, our views of reality become distorted. We inflate the faults of others, and at the same time inflate our own virtues.
4. When we betray ourselves, we enter the box.
5. With time, certain boxes become characteristic of us, and we end up carrying them with us.
6. When we are in the box, we provoke others to be in the box.
7. When I and others around me are in the box, we mutually mistreat each other, which then gives us mutual justification to continue to mistreat each other. We collude to give the other person a reason to remain in the box.

How do we know if we are participating in self-betrayal and are “in the box?”

• Do we treat people as people or as just objects? Do we take the time to remember their names? Are we truly interested in others, or just interested in what they think about us? Do we manipulate others to get what we want in relationships? If we don’t truly care about others, they can almost always feel the hypocrisy in us. If we are not treating people as people it is a good indication we are “in the box.”
• Do we inflate the faults of others and inflate our own virtue? Do we inflate the value of things that justify our self betrayal? If so, this is a good indication we are “in the box.”
• Are we blaming others? If so, this is a good indication we are “in the box”.
• Are we feeling a desire for the welfare and good of others, and a desire to be out of the box in that relationship? Do we have feelings about kind things we can do for the other person? If we are not having these feelings, it may indicate that we are “in the box” towards this person.

What doesn’t work when we are in the box?

1. Trying to change others
2. Doing my best to cope with others
3. Leaving
4. Communication – this doesn’t work when we’re in the box, because we communicate the negative things we’re feeling.
5. Implementing new skills or techniques
6. Changing our behavior

How Do We Get Out & Stay Out of the Box?

According to Leadership & Self Deception, when we’re feeling we want to be out of the box towards someone, in that moment we’re already out. We’re feeling that way because we’re now seeing him or her as a person. In feeling that way toward that person, we’re already out of the box.

Once we are out of the box, the question then is how to stay out. At times we have specific impressions of things we should do for others, particularly toward friends, family or work associates. We know these people and many of their hopes, needs, cares, and fears. We’re also more likely to have wronged them. To stay out of the box, we must honor what our out-of-the-box sensibility tells us we should do for these people.

However, this doesn’t mean we need to do everything we feel would be ideal for everyone, because we have our own responsibilities that sometimes take a position of higher priority. We do the best we can under the circumstances, and we do that because when we’re out of the box we see other people as people.

In short, I need to follow the feelings of kind things I should do for others so I can stay out of the box in those relationships. I need to not blame others, but I need to do what is in my power to stay out of the box so that I can have a better perspective of reality and the solutions available to solve the problems I’m facing.

Find Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box at Amazon.com.

(source: Leadership & Self Deception)