These trees have enormous, trunks and live for thousands of years.  One Boabab tree has a trunk with a diameter of more than 25 meters, and was dated to have been living at the time of Noah’s flood (source).

These trees teach about how businesses, countries and families can survive hard economic times.  The Boabab tree can drop it’s leaves for up to 9 months of the year to survive drought.  So, one of the secrets to the longevity of this tree is that it can dramatically reduce it’s consumption of resources when those resources become scarce.  When economic conditions get tough, do our families, businesses and countries have the wisdom to do the same thing?

Did you know that for each dollar Obama wants to spend in 2010, more than 30 cents are borrowed?

When times get tough and income shrinks, the companies, families and countries that have the discipline to proportionally reduce expenditures in a timely manner have a much greater chance of survival.  In short, strong companies, families and countries know that they can’t spend more than they make for long, or they are dramatically increasing the chances of economic failure.

Sonia and Everaldo,  dear friends in Brazil, adopted the baby boy and named him Miguel. The Brazilian adoption program closed.

A few weeks ago I visited Sonia, Everaldo and their family in Aracaju, Brazil.  I spent a delightful time with Miguel, now 14, who is pictured above with his adoptive mother.

Miguel wants to be a chef and open his own restaurant some day. I’m teaching him how to make Mexican food because there are no Mexican food restaurants in his city.

Everyone loves Miguel.  He has a huge heart.  Miguel has a great family who loves him.  Sonia told me how grateful she is that the U.S. adoption of Miguel fell apart. At the time the Brazilian adoption program fell apart it was a huge set back for me, but the next year Adoption.com was created.  Much more importantly,  Miguel was adopted by the right family, and is exactly where he’s supposed to be.  I’m so grateful that things went wrong with the Brazilian adoption program, but turned out perfectly right.

I need to remember this important lesson to help me keep perspective when other things go wrong in my life.06

“It’s possible to become so determined to defend a spiritual place of authority, a doctrine or a way of doing things that you wound and abuse anyone who questions, or disagrees, or doesn’t ‘behave’ spiritually the way you want them to. When your words and actions tear down another, or attack or weaken a person’s standing as a Christian [or standing in any faith]– to gratify you, your position or your beliefs while at the same time weakening or harming another – that is spiritual abuse.”

Characteristics of Spiritual Abuse

According to the “Spiritual Abuse” article from Wikipedia, Spiritual abuse can include:

• Psychological and emotional abuse
• Any act by deeds or words that demean, humiliate or shame the natural worth and dignity of a person as a human being
• Submission to spiritual authority without any right to disagree; intimidation
• Unreasonable control of a person’s basic right to make a choice on spiritual matters
• False accusation and repeated criticism by negatively labeling a person as disobedient, rebellious, lacking faith, demonized, apostate, enemy of the church or God
• Prevention from practicing faith
• Isolation or separation from family and friends due to religious affiliation
• Physical abuse that includes physical injury, deprivation of sustenance, and sexual abuse
• Exclusivity; dismissal of an outsider’s criticism and labeling an outsider as of the devil
• Withholding information and giving of information only to a selected few
• Conformity to a dangerous or unnatural religious view and practice
• Hostility that includes shunning (relational aggression, parental alienation) and persecution

Dr. Ronald Enroth, in his book “Churches that Abuse”, sets forth five characteristics of spiritual abuse:

1. Authority and Power – Spiritual abusers misuse and distort the concept of spiritual authority.
2. Manipulation and Control – Spiritual abusers often use fear, guilt and threats to achieve unquestioning obedience and loyalty.
3. Elitism and Persecution – Spiritual abusers often place themselves in a position of spiritual superiority, which they then use to justify their abusive behavior. Think of the Crusaders who used their supposed superiority as justification to abuse others, because they believed they were fighting for God.
4. Life-style and Experience – Spiritual abusers can create very rigid behaviors and beliefs and try to force others to have unquestioned conformity.
5. Dissent and Discipline – Spiritual abusers often suppress challenges and dissent. Spiritual abusers may discipline through humiliation, violence, deprivation and other forms of punishment.

Victims of spiritual abuse often do not recognize the behavior as abusive because the abusive demands can contain twisted elements of truth, and the victim desires to be obedient and righteous.

Effects of Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse can have a devastating effect on the lives of victims, beginning with diminished self esteem and self worth. Spiritual abuse is often perpetuated by a person of authority, such as a parent or religious leader, who the victim should be able to trust. So, when that higher level of trust is violated, the deeper wound can make it difficult for the person to trust legitimate spiritual authority. The victim may also find it difficult to trust God.

Enroth says that spiritual abusers generally feel that people who question spiritually abusive activities are not being submissive to authority. As a result, victims could suffer extreme character assassination intended to stop the victim’s liberation from the spiritually abusive person or situation.

In more serious cases of abuse, even more serious effects can occur.

Recovering from Spiritual Abuse

The first step to escaping spiritual abuse may be to recognize and understand what is happening. This may involve studying the topic and/or speaking to a qualified expert outside the sphere of the abuse. Many books have been written on the topic of spiritual abuse.

The second step may be to stop the cycle of abuse.  If it is safe to do so, bring the spiritual abuse to light in as loving and non-confrontational manner as possible. The victim needs to identify the abusive behavior to the abuser and establish clear boundaries for abuser if there is to be an ongoing relationship. The victim may need a network of people who can provide the strength and additional support necessary to stop and recover from the abuse. This support network may need to include assistance from a qualified expert.

If the abusive behavior does not stop, the victim may need to leave the abusive relationship. Christ-like forgiveness and love does not include enabling an abuser to continue the abusive behavior. We should love and forgive the abuser, but should not tolerate any form of abuse. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!

Then, the victim will be in a safer place to learn the true attributes of God, including His love, forgiveness and grace. God is not a god of abuse, and the actions of abusers are not representative of the doctrines or love of God. The victim may need a significant amount of time to learn to trust spiritual leaders and God.

Conclusion

I am not a counselor or a spiritual abuse expert. So, please take this article as merely my unqualified opinion and not expert advice. I am far from perfect myself. This article is not intended to judge or accuse anyone specifically. It is intended to help bring to light a serious type of abuse.

If a friend or family member is healing from abuse, one of the worst things we can do is judge the victim, even if we are unsure about the validity of their allegations. Abuse is often committed in secret, without any witnesses.  So, just because we have not witnessed any abuse does not mean that the abuse did not happen.

When victims of abuse stand up to abuse, they are often not believed. Victims of spiritual abuse who try to leave the abusive relationship are sometimes attacked as being spiritually unworthy or unrighteous. Friends and family members of spiritual abuse victims and abusers may take sides and cause further harm to someone who is already wounded.

If we are a friend or family member of someone who is trying to free themselves of a spiritually abusive situation, one of the best things we can do is to simply love that person, and avoid judging or taking sides.

If you are a victim of spiritual abuse, know that God is not a god of abuse.  You are His child and He loves you.  He would never abuse you, and anyone who abuses you in the name of God will have to answer to God. You don’t have to accept abusive behavior to be worthy of that love.  He wants us to be eternally happy. If you are still a prisoner to abuse, get the help you need today so you can find the freedom and peace you deserve and that God wants for you.  As the apostle Paul said:

“Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” – Galations 5:1

]]> http://gwilliam.com/nathan/spiritual-abuse/feed/ 3 http://gwilliam.com/nathan/momentum-in-sand-duning-business-life/ http://gwilliam.com/nathan/momentum-in-sand-duning-business-life/#comments Wed, 13 May 2009 05:27:46 +0000 Nathan Gwilliam http://gwilliam.com/nathan/?p=140 Last weekend Crystal and I went sand duning with our friends Matt and Michelle at the Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park  in southern Utah. The park is comprised of 3,730 acres of breathtaking pink coral-colored dunes, surrounded by red sandstone cliffs, blue skies, and deep emerald forests. Imagine pink sand dunes and lush pine trees.  At first glance it feels like an oxymoron of nature.

This picture shows the four of us in Matt and Michelle’s Sand Rail. This vehicle took the dunes with power and speed and had enough momentum to do whatever the driver wanted to do on the dunes.  (We wore helmets and had 5-point restraint systems in addition to roll bars.)

Later in the day, Matt and I took quads out and Matt taught me the concept of dune “bowling”.  Some of the large sand dunes were shaped as crescents or partial “bowls”.  In sand dune bowling, the quad rider builds up momentum then climbs straight up one side of the sand dune.  As the rider nears the top, and before momentum is lost, the rider turns to one side, and rides along the inside ridge of the sand dune bowl.  However, bowling only works if the rider keeps momentum.  If momentum is lost, the rider must quickly turn the quad down the sand dune to regain momentum. If momentum is not regained, the rider and the quad may tumble down a steep sand dune.

The momentum required for sand dune bowling has made me think of the importance of momentum in business and life, and I have been particularly thinking about the correlation between momentum and hope.  When our lives and our businesses are moving forward and progressing, we have momentum.  As a result of this momentum, we have hope for a better future than our present circumstances.

If we are feeling hopeless, it is often because we don’t have enough momentum in our life, or because our momentum is going the wrong direction.  Conversely, if we want to add more hope into our lives, we can often accomplish this by adding more momentum.

We can add momentum in our relationships by being more selfless, attending marriage education or counseling, spending more time with the people we love, expressing our love, etc.  We can add momentum in our career by improving education, enhancing job skills, reading industry books and blogs, improving the quality of our work, etc. We can add momentum in the physical area of our life by exercising, eating better, etc.   Businesses can add momentum through improving marketing effectiveness, innovation, user experience, viral advertising, etc. We can add momentum in the spiritual area of our life through scripture study, prayer, personal worthiness, etc.  We can even help add  momentum to the lives of others through mentoring, volunteering, helping the needy, making charitable contributions, etc.

We can’t just coast or maintain without regressing in our lives and businesses.  “If you’re coasting, you’re either losing momentum or else you’re headed downhill (source: Joan Welsh).”  

Even though most of us set well-intentioned New Year’s resolutions, studies show that most of us do not succeed in completing those resolutions.  If we really want to achieve our resolutions, we need to effectively convert a desire to change into a system or pattern in our lives.  Anthony Robbins said, “The most important thing you can do to achieve your goals is to make sure that as soon as you set them, you immediately begin to create momentum. The most important rules that I ever adopted to help me in achieving my goals were those I learned from a very successful man who taught me to first write down the goal, and then to never leave the site of setting a goal without first taking some form of positive action toward its attainment.”

As our goals become patterns in our lives and businesses, they add momentum, and the momentum increases our hope.

In short, Americans are becoming more fiscally responsible.  We are choosing to spend less on unnecessary items, borrow less on credit cards and save more so that we can make needed purchases with cash and weather rainy days.  This is not a bad thing.  These are the same fundamental financial principles we have all been taught and that we all would teach our children.  The wise man builds his financial house upon the rock of savings and frugal spending. 

This frugal/savings mentality might slow an economic recovery.  However, it would build the economic recovery on a much more solid foundation, and give that economic recovery a greater chance at long-term sustainability.  I would much rather have an economic recovery built on solid financial principles that takes longer to achieve than a quick economic recovery based on debt-fueled consumption that everyone knows can’t last.  We’ve had 11 recessions since World Ward II.  Maybe it’s time we should learn from this recession and make the correct long-term financial decisions that will stop this unnecessary recessionary pattern.

Did you know that the official name for this statue is not “The Statue of Liberty?”  It was instead named “Liberty Enlightening the World.”  

In 1883 Emma Lazarus penned the famous words, which are now engraved at the base of this statue: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…”

Millions of people in the world today who are still victims of slavery, poverty, abandonment, disease, and repressive governments. I need to not sit idly in my land of liberty and forget the “tired…poor…huddled masses yearning to breathe free” just as my ancestors did.  I am enjoying the gift of liberty because of my ancestors, and because I have been given the gift of liberty, I need to use that gift to help liberate others.

These famous words of Emma Lazarus are also just as appropriate to Americans today as they were to the immigrants from generations past who cheered as they entered New York Harbor and saw this statue welcoming them to America. These immigrants came to America seeking liberty.  Today, the immigrants’ ancestors are also seeking liberty…liberty from many repressive elements of our generation, such as addiction, debt, sin and abuse.

May each of us shake off the shackles which bind us, seize hold of our amazing gift of liberty, and help others to do the same.

Warning: The movies I like the best generally get poor reviews with movie critics.  “It’s a Wonderful Life” is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I love the epic battle between good and evil and do not think it is “over the top” when good triumphs.  I love movies that make me want to be better.  I realize these kinds of movies aren’t for everyone.  So, if you don’t agree with my cinematic preferences, you’re probably not going to like this movie.

Forever Strong, is a movie (based on a true story) about Rick Penning, a self-centered, out-of-control, star rugby player who lands himself in a juvenile corrections facility after a repeat drunk driving accident in which he almost killed his girlfriend.  The director of the corrections facility notices Rick’s love for rugby and offers Rick the opportunity to play for the longtime rival Highland Rugby team, and its legendary Coach Gelwix. 

This coach has a philosophy that he would rather help young men to be champions in life than to be champions on the field.  This core philosophy is demonstrated when the coach allows Rick to stay in the first game even though the team is being destroyed because of Rick’s “me-first” mentality.

Gelwix emphasizes team play and has a policy prohibiting, liquor, drugs, cigarettes and fooling around with girls, as he tries to teach his players to be “forever strong” in life and not just on the field.  Rick struggles with the dichotomy of the person he was and the person he is becoming. Rick’s evolution as a team player is symbolized through his participation with the team in the Maori war dance, the Haka. 

Rick is finally released from the corrections facility and returns to his home and his old team.  However, when he doesn’t fall back into his old ways, his old friends mock him and plant drugs and alcohol on him so that he ends up back in jail.

The defining scene shows Rick’s father visiting him in jail.  Rick’s father won’t believe that Rick has changed, but Rick stands and declares that he is a Highland Rugby player and would never do anything to disgrace his family or his team.  Rick ends that scene by telling his father “Kia Kaha” which means “forever strong” in Maori.

I enjoyed Rick’s strength to change despite intense pressures. I loved the strength of the Coach Gelwix character in shaping young rugby players to be champions in life.  Kia Kaha.

If all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men. (Alma 48:8-19)

For many years I have read and pondered this scripture and tried to emulate Moroni, albeit unsuccessfully. Years ago my wife even gave me a painting of Moroni with this scripture for my office because she knew how much it meant to me.

However, though the years of focusing on this scripture, I failed to connect it with the full context of the situation in which this description of Moroni is given.  Moroni was the army captain of a group of Christians named Nephites who lived in the ancient Americas shortly before Christ’s birth.  Moroni’s people were ruled democratically by elected judges, yet on multiple occasions Captain Moroni had to put down revolutions from a faction of the people who wanted to appoint a king.  The man who started this internal revolution, and who desired to be the king, was named Amalickiah.

When Amalickiah realized that he could not prevail against Moroni, he fled with a group of followers and joined the Lamanites, who were the eternal enemies of Moroni’s people.  Amalickiah poisoned the leader of the Lamanite armies so that he (Amalickiah) could become the leader of the army.  Then, he killed the Lamanite king and married that king’s wife so that he could become the king of the Lamanites.  Then, with control of the Lamanite armies Amalickaiah waged a horrific war against Moroni and his people that lasted for many years.

I have often (and correctly) associated Christianity with Christ’s teaching such as “turning the other cheek”, “not returning evil for evil” and “forgiving”. So, the dichotomy of Moroni’s description as such a strong Christian that Satan had no power over his heart, shook my understanding of Christianity.

How did Moroni find peace while at war?  The following verses help explain the answer to this paradox:

He was preparing to support their liberty, their lands, their wives and their children, and their peace, and that they might live unto the Lord their God, and that they might maintain that which was called by their enemies the cause of the Christians. And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery; Yea a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people.  Yea, and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ. (Alma 48:10-14)

They were sorry to take up arms against the Lamanites, because they did not delight in the shedding of blood; yea, and this was not all–they were sorry to be the means of sending so many of their brethren out of this world into an eternal world, unprepared to meet their God. Nevertheless, they could not suffer to lay down their lives, that their wives and their children should be massacred by the barbarous cruelty of those who were once their brethren. (Alma 48:23-24)

Moroni wasn’t seeking revenge or to force his will upon anyone else.  Instead Moroni was reluctantly fighting a battle to stand up to evil, to defend his people from oppression and abuse, and to eradicate the horrible influence of the Lamanties in their lives.  He wasn’t trying to change the Lamanites, he was just trying to be free of the Lamanites, and was forced to fight to secure that freedom.  Moroni didn’t hate the Lamanites, and was genuinely concerned about the enternal welfare of their souls.

War and fighting is often at odds with the way that Jesus Christ would like us to live with our fellow man. War should be a last resort. However, sometimes as Christians we have to stand and fight evil.  When war does become necessary in our lives, though, it is important that our motives and hearts are right with God, and that we can find peace while at war.

I clearly understand the importance of forgiving and I want to forgive. I know that Jesus Christ expects us to forgive everyone, whether or not they have repented, and if I do not forgive others, a greater sin is upon me than whatever the other person did (D&C 54:8-9). I know I need to keep forgiving others even if they keep hurting me (Matthew 18:21). I know I will receive forgiveness only to the extent I forgive others (Matthew 6:12) and that to become worthy of the atonement of Jesus Christ and to be forgiven of my sins, I must forgive others (Matthew 18:23-35).

I know that holding on to offense and not forgiving can rob me of happiness and the light of Christ, and that the path to the greatest joy and peace in life includes frankly and immediately forgiving others. However, I don’t remember any Sunday School lessons teaching me how to forgive.

What do I do if I feel I have forgiven the offender, have prayed for God’s help in forgiving that person, yet when that person continues to commit similar offenses, the feelings of animosity return? I think those feelings are a sign I have not completely forgiven that person despite my desire and efforts to do so. I don’t want to feel those negative feelings. I want to forgive . . . but how do I forgive more deeply and permanently?

I have been struggling with this question for more than a month, and studying to understand “How do I forgive?”. My answer came through the scripture “Charity suffereth long and is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). As someone continues do things that cause me to suffer, I need to have charity towards that person and be kind. Saying I forgive someone, and stopping to have negative feelings towards that person is not enough. I must fill the void left by the abandoned negative feelings with feelings of love, charity, kindness and compassion towards that person. When I fill that void with the pure love of Christ for that person, it becomes almost impossible for those feelings of animosity to return when the person trespasses against me again.

The love for that person make it easier to bear any additional offenses, helps us to minimize the severity of those offenses, and helps us to understand where that person is coming from so we might not even need to take offense.

It is important to note that forgiveness does not mean we must continue to allow abusive behavior. We have a right and a responsibility to protect ourselves and others within our stewardships from dangerous situations. For example, we might forgive someone who has abused one of our children, but we might wisely choose to never let that person babysit our children again.

It is also important to note that forgiveness and trust are not necessarily the same. It is required of us that we forgive everyone (D&C 64:10). However, we and those within our stewardships deserve to be treated respectfully. It is reasonable for us to respectfully set healthy boundaries for our association with those people who have not acted respectfully. For example, if a child yells at my wife and hits her, it is appropriate for me to remove my child from that situation, explain the behavior unacceptable, and let the child know that they can return to be with the family when they are ready to act respectfully. Forgiving someone does not mean allowing unacceptable behavior to continue.

As we seek to forgive it is also important that we stop talking bad about the offender, even if it is true. We also need to stop blaming the offender and take back ownership in our lives.

I am grateful for the gift of forgiveness. As I fill my heart with charity and forgiveness towards others I can receive the peace that comes from forgiving others, and qualify for forgiveness from the Savior.

What have you done to help you to forgive, and how has forgiveness blessed your life?

This week Crystal and I listened to Leadership & Self Deception again. This is an amazing book by the Arbinger Institute, which works to help people see themselves, others, problems and solutions in a different way.

Leadership & Self Deception teaches about self-betrayal, the process by which we each participate in self-deception and get “into the box”. This book makes the following major points about self-betrayal.

1. Self betrayal is an act contrary to what we feel we should do for someone else.
2. When we betray ourselves, we begin to see the world in a way that justifies our self-betrayal.
3. When we see a self-justifying world, our views of reality become distorted. We inflate the faults of others, and at the same time inflate our own virtues.
4. When we betray ourselves, we enter the box.
5. With time, certain boxes become characteristic of us, and we end up carrying them with us.
6. When we are in the box, we provoke others to be in the box.
7. When I and others around me are in the box, we mutually mistreat each other, which then gives us mutual justification to continue to mistreat each other. We collude to give the other person a reason to remain in the box.

How do we know if we are participating in self-betrayal and are “in the box?”

• Do we treat people as people or as just objects? Do we take the time to remember their names? Are we truly interested in others, or just interested in what they think about us? Do we manipulate others to get what we want in relationships? If we don’t truly care about others, they can almost always feel the hypocrisy in us. If we are not treating people as people it is a good indication we are “in the box.”
• Do we inflate the faults of others and inflate our own virtue? Do we inflate the value of things that justify our self betrayal? If so, this is a good indication we are “in the box.”
• Are we blaming others? If so, this is a good indication we are “in the box”.
• Are we feeling a desire for the welfare and good of others, and a desire to be out of the box in that relationship? Do we have feelings about kind things we can do for the other person? If we are not having these feelings, it may indicate that we are “in the box” towards this person.

What doesn’t work when we are in the box?

1. Trying to change others
2. Doing my best to cope with others
3. Leaving
4. Communication – this doesn’t work when we’re in the box, because we communicate the negative things we’re feeling.
5. Implementing new skills or techniques
6. Changing our behavior

How Do We Get Out & Stay Out of the Box?

According to Leadership & Self Deception, when we’re feeling we want to be out of the box towards someone, in that moment we’re already out. We’re feeling that way because we’re now seeing him or her as a person. In feeling that way toward that person, we’re already out of the box.

Once we are out of the box, the question then is how to stay out. At times we have specific impressions of things we should do for others, particularly toward friends, family or work associates. We know these people and many of their hopes, needs, cares, and fears. We’re also more likely to have wronged them. To stay out of the box, we must honor what our out-of-the-box sensibility tells us we should do for these people.

However, this doesn’t mean we need to do everything we feel would be ideal for everyone, because we have our own responsibilities that sometimes take a position of higher priority. We do the best we can under the circumstances, and we do that because when we’re out of the box we see other people as people.

In short, I need to follow the feelings of kind things I should do for others so I can stay out of the box in those relationships. I need to not blame others, but I need to do what is in my power to stay out of the box so that I can have a better perspective of reality and the solutions available to solve the problems I’m facing.

Find Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box at Amazon.com.

(source: Leadership & Self Deception)